Twenty years on….

My first birth was, on the face of it, far more traumatic but this one really took away my power and those feelings have stayed with me. A doula would have been such a source of strength!

I have never blogged. I wrote this, it has been hanging around for awhile but its more of a reflection on how a standard procedure in childbirth and having choice removed can have such a huge impact on the experience. I have stored it away, as a doula I must be free of my own ‘triggers’ in order to support others.

Twenty years on…

Something is happening…..We head to hospital and get admitted to a room. I am contracting and breathing, feeling calm and confident as I hold onto the metal bedframe and work with my body. Husband and I laughing.
7cms first dilation!! Oh yeah……”We are going to break your waters” “WHAT?? No, please don’t because the same thing will happen as last time” I start to cry and the panic rises. A Midwife scurries off to find my notes from ‘last time’. Fat lot of good that does.
I’m having my waters broken by the man…. I don’t know why. I am now on the bed with a monitor strapped to my belly and my freedom to move, gone.
It doesn’t take long and I am feeling out of control. On my back like a stranded beetle. Two Midwives either side of me holding my legs open. I am SCREAMING. I am told to stop screaming. I feel like a child. No one is being kind to me.
A third Midwife is called in because I am being troublesome. I am upsetting people with my noise apparently. Baby is moving down, I can feel him and I am more powerful now. His head slips out, cord twice round his neck, followed swiftly by his slippery body.
My beautiful baby. This could have been perfect – he is perfect.
Why didn’t anyone listen to me though? Why did they do something to me against my will, just to speed up my perfectly progressing labour.
I had a choice but I just didn’t know it – It still hurts. 20 years on….

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